Life Lessons At 42: What I'm Learning About Myself.

There’s something about this season of life that feels… different.

At 42, I’m not trying to become someone new anymore.

I’m learning how to be honest about who I already am.

In this solo episode, I’m sharing some of the truths I’ve come to accept about myself , things I’ve learned, things I’ve unlearned, and things I can no longer pretend I don’t know.

Some of them contradict each other.

Some of them are still uncomfortable.

But all of them feel real.

We talk about:

•Holding gratitude and desire at the same time

•Outgrowing versions of yourself

•The quiet shift from proving… to peace

•Learning your limits (and honouring them)

•Trusting yourself in a deeper way

This isn’t advice.

It’s just where I am.

And maybe… you’ll find yourself somewhere in it too.

✨ Pull up a seat and come sit with me.

Two sisters. Big feelings. Real conversations.

Seen and Heard is where Tami and Tessanne talk through life’s twists and turns, from parenting and partnership to purpose, wellness, identity, and everything in between.

Sometimes it’s deep, sometimes it’s funny, always it’s honest. Pull up a seat , you can sit with us. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi guys, it's me by myself today, and I know that that's not something you're used to seeing in recent times now that Scene and Heart has relaunched with myself and Hassan. But every now and again you will be getting these solo episodes from us, and it will be on topics that we feel passionate about, stories we might want to tell or share with you, experiences we're having, and it's just a nice way to mix things up sometimes. And so this week I really just wanted to sit and talk a little bit about something that I think many of you will perhaps relate to uh or see in your own journey or in your own selves. The funny thing about growing up is that it kind of never ever ever ever stops. And so this is a little bit about where I am at 42, almost 43 years old, and Oprah said it best when she said, This is what I know for sure. This might not be what I know for sure. It might just be what I know for sure right now. But as we've said on this podcast a million times, we know we're subject to change. So I'm saying this with all the wisdom of myself up until this point, knowing that these things may not be true for me in the next decade, but they're true for me now, and isn't that okay? Before we get into that though, I hope you guys have been having a really uh good experience over here at Scene and Heard. We are so moved by your comments week after week, and we really feel like we are onto something, like we're doing something, like we are creating a space. That was our big hope that we would just create a space that would feel all-encompassing and welcoming, and that's what the circle is truly meant to be. A lot of you have spoken about the possibility of maybe one day doing one of these episodes live. Can you imagine if the circle got to get together in an auditorium, in a room, in a space somewhere where we could actually physically share that space and what those conversations might look like in real time? We're dreaming up things, Fasine and heard, and part of that dream is also your vision. And so we love when you share what you see for this podcast, what you see for this space, uh, because it helps us to expand our own dream and our own vision. So don't stop sharing. Now, before we go any further, with that said, can you please just take a moment to subscribe? A lot of you have been here week after week, and you may not even realize it, but you haven't actually hit the subscribe button. So may I beg you please hit that subscribe button, uh, like this video, share it with somebody, and join me in the comment section. You don't have to wait till the end to leave a comment. As we go along, well, just me today, as I go along, as you get the ping to say something, as you feel the need to maybe jot something down, do it in the comment section. That's what it's there for. And if you're listening to us on Apple Podcasts or even on Spotify or wherever you listen to this podcast, just take the time to just rate it five stars. We would love that. And if you can leave a review, even better, because that just helps us out and helps us to grow so much. Alright, so enough about that. Uh, let's go ahead and jump into this episode. So, as I said, guys, I'm 42, almost 43, and I think this might be the first time in my life where I'm not trying to become someone else. That's something we've spoken a lot about on here. I'm not chasing a version of me that feels just out of reach or just outside of myself. I'm actually learning how to be honest about who I am already, you know, right now in this moment. And I know that might sound so simple, but it has taken me years and years to really get here. So, just to be clear, this episode isn't advice, it's not a this is what you should do conversation, it's just where I am and what I am learning about myself right now. So here's what I'm learning, here's what I'm unlearning, and what I can no longer pretend I don't know about myself. I know these things right now. And so the truth is some of these things might even contradict each other because that's so me. Uh, but I think that's also a part of the beauty of this stage of life. You realize that two things uh can exist at the same time, as we've said so many times. So here's what feels true to me right now. Number one, and a great place to start, and we have discussed this, but two things can be true at once. I can love my life and I can still crave something different, I can be deeply grateful and still feel like there is more for me. And I want to just say that this is something I used to feel really guilty about. Like if I wanted more, it meant I wasn't appreciating what I had. But now I really understand that those two things can sit side by side: gratitude and desire, contentment and expansion, and neither one cancels out the other. Number two, I don't need to rush my evolution anymore. There was a version of me that always felt like I was behind, like I was behind time, uh, like I needed to figure it out faster, I needed to figure it out now, I needed to get there quicker, I need to become something soon. And now, uh, I don't really feel that way anymore. I don't feel that same urgency. I have a lot more trust that what is meant for me is not going to miss me. You know, the Jamaican saying, Waffeyo, kia, and feel. So I trust that I'm allowed to take my time, whatever that time looks like. Uh, that growth doesn't feel like pressure, um, it can feel like unfolding, and I'm really trusting that part of my life now. Number three, peace is more valuable than being right. This one took me a while, and tell you the truth, I'm still wrapping my head around it sometimes because being right can feel very powerful, it can be very validating, but the truth is that it can also be very expensive. And I'm talking about in relationships, in marriages, in friendships, even in motherhood. So I've learned that sometimes being understood is actually more important than winning the argument. Um, sometimes we get caught on being right all the time, and it really does cost your peace. And something that has been really helpful for me is just understanding that connection is actually more important than correction. And so, peace to me is a real win, and nothing has really taught me that more than in motherhood. My peace is more important. I've had to learn to pause a lot, even in my marriage. I've had to learn to pause before I respond, before I feel the need to have to say that thing, before I feel like I am needing to be right. So, peace. Peace is probably one of the most valuable things to me, and something I am allowing more into my life. That not means I'm in a sometime, you know. And that not means I'm not always right. All right, number four. I'm allowed to outgrow things that once fit me. I am the queen of this. So there are things that used to feel uh like me that don't feel like me anymore. And for a long time I felt like I had to hold on to that because they once made sense. Uh, sometimes I even look at old interviews and I'm like, I never recognize that person because I don't really agree with her as much anymore. So I found that growth sometimes looks like release, and outgrowing doesn't mean something was wrong, it just means that it's no longer aligned to who I am, and I am allowed to honor uh who I was without forcing myself to stay there and to continue to believe that just because it's what I thought was attached to me at the time. So I hope that makes sense. I can grow out of a space and connect to that version and still know that I can move forward in a different way. I don't have to hold on to everything that once made me who I was, that once fitted my life. I don't have to actually make that fit anymore. Sometimes what I actually need to do is make room to move into another version. Now, this next one is a big one for me, and it's that my capacity is not infinite. Now, this one I'm still learning in real time because every day I realize more and more that I cannot be everything to everyone. There is no way I can show up at 100% in every area of my life all at the same time. And for a long time I really, really tried to do that because I thought that would make me a good wife, a good mom, a good partner, a good friend. Uh, but now I understand that rest is not something that I earn, it's it's something that I actually deeply require. Actually, on a basic level, I require it. Uh, and that boundaries are not rejection, they're really protection for me. And so saying no doesn't make me less loving, it just makes me more honest and it allows me to show up for myself first. So when I say my capacity isn't infinite, it just means I I as I said I can't be everything to everybody all the time, and so comes this idea of harmony in my life, which was introduced to me a long time ago by uh I can't remember her full name, but Lisa 2 Motivates was her handle, I remember it. And she was talking a lot about this idea of balance and how it can be so tricky, and she introduced this idea of instead of having harmony instead of balance because balance feels so 50-50. So, harmony is what I try to achieve more in my day-to-day life, and just knowing that some days the wife who I am is gonna be 80%. I'm gonna give her 80% that day, and mother might get just 20. Uh, and some days that's flipped on its head, and some days, you know, the mother is gonna take 50%, and I'm gonna split my my wife and myself into two parts there. I'm just saying I just can't always give and be 100% everywhere. So that's a big one that I carry with me, and I hope that makes sense to you too. And I hope you realize that it means that you're gonna probably disappoint some people, but that's okay. Number six is that joy requires intention now. So, joy used to feel so much easier for me, it used to feel more spontaneous, and I would just kind of wait for it to happen. But now I realize that if I don't create the space for it, it doesn't just appear out of nowhere. Like I have to choose it, I have to plan for it, I have to protect it. And so the small things matter to me now because joy is not wrapped up in these big things that happen. It's the quiet moments, it's the laughter, it's the pauses, it's the gardening, it's the cooking dinner sometimes. Um, and I don't want it to be something that I stumble into anymore. It's something that I really want to cultivate more of in my life. So I'm really trying to be more intentional about the ways that I create joy. That's something we talk about a lot on this podcast. How are we creating more joy intentionally? Does not have to be big. But what are those pockets of joy that we can be intentional about? Maybe you need to schedule it in, maybe you need to set up some time for it, and that's why I'm always saying look for it so that you can know. Oh, look at this. I just saw my calendar. It's not on the right day, but look what it says. Joy. If ever there was a sign to create more intentional joy, that was it. Okay, on to the next one. This one is I trust myself more than I ever have. And that took some guts for me to say that. So even when I don't have all the answers, I trust that I will figure it out. I trust to my instincts, I trust my voice, I trust my knowing, I trust my timing, I really trust myself more, and that trust didn't always come from getting it right, it came from surviving the times I didn't. And so that is actually hand in hand with my faith, and I trust that it is always working out for me because I really believe that God is in charge. And every time I try to take something over and do it myself, it it gets so crazy and loud and noisy in my head. And so when I say I trust myself, I really just trust that I can rest in the knowing that it is all going to work out somehow, somehow. And I don't know what your personal belief system is, but I do know that there is something in all of us, a higher knowing, a higher power, a higher being. Whatever that may be for you, I do believe that the more we tap into that and rest in that and sit in that and know that we are not doing this all on our own, the more you can really trust the part of you that is in concert with the higher part of you will always help to make all of this work out. My my dad used to say the most wonderful thing to me. He said, if you go left, you are right. If you go right, you are right. And that just always gave me this wonderful piece that I could trust whatever path I was gonna take because however it worked out would always be in my best interest. Even if it didn't work out how I wanted, it would somehow be in my best interest because I would learn something, I would meet new people, it would take me to the next level. So, yeah, I'm learning to trust myself while asking for that guidance, but all the time understanding that it will work out just as it should. So the next thing I would say is that I'm far less interested in being impressive to anybody, and I'm way more interested in being at peace. So there was a time where you know I would worry about what people thought, and and I still do, don't get me wrong, but I worry a lot less. Um, I would think about how maybe people were perceiving me. And again, I see all of this to say I I still care about those things, but um far less. And now I worry a lot more about how my life feels to me. Does it feel aligned? Does it feel like me? Because I realize that despite what it looks like on the outside, what you think of my life doesn't matter. Um what looks like a good life doesn't necessarily feel like a good life, and so I am in pursuit of that feeling. Does my life feel good to me? Not does it look good to everybody else, or what does everybody else think about my life? How does my life feel to me? And I think sometimes when I'm stuck somewhere, I instantly connect uh to how I want to feel in my life. And I say to myself, okay, what could I be doing more of to feel that way? And right now, you can take a moment and connect with a version of yourself that feels good. You can connect with that part of your life that feels good, and immediately you should feel relief. And so I'm all about connecting with that part of myself more and more, and remembering that my version of a good life is a life that feels good to me. And that is far more important than what it looks like to anybody else. Sometimes you want things in and you get them and you say, boy, I should feel better in the having of this thing, and you realize why it don't matter how you dress it, how you twist it, how you which car you drive in or how you live, if it does not feel good to you, it cannot be good for you. It cannot be the good life because it's not aligned with what feels right and feels good for you. So, what does your good life feel like? I really want you to think about that and make that the most important thing as you move on, as you go forward. How does your life feel to you? Not how it looked to everybody else. And remember what I said a life that looks good is not the same as a life that feels good. So choose the feeling. It's interesting because in in my 20s and 30s, I was definitely building a life. I am still building my life, but now I'm learning how to really feel it and how to be present in it and not to rush past it. My my motto this week is be here now. Be here now, to not constantly be reaching for the next version of me without just appreciating the one that's here right now, the one that's already here. So I think if I could move on with anything right now for you, it's just to be here now. Listen, I know that I'm still evolving, I know that there is more to learn and more to unlearn and more to understand about myself. But these are things that I definitely feel are true for me right now. And so I'd love to know what is something that you've learned about yourself that you are no longer willing to unlearn. Like, what's that thing that you would say right now is something you know for sure? Uh, please let me know in the comments. I'd love to learn from you also. And I always think that each one teach one. So you might say something that will spark something in me or spark something in somebody else watching, and nothing could really be better than that. So I hope this episode was helpful. I know it's not what we are used to right now or what our usual episodes look like, but I really hope that it gave you something to think about. All we can ever ask for in this podcast is that we create some food for thought. It's introspective, it's gonna give you something to think on, it's gonna give you something to chew on, something to think about, something to talk about in your friend group. What is it for you that you know for sure right now? And as you go about your week this week, what's gonna be your motto as you go on? I told you mine, be here now. That is my big thing. Be here now. I have a week ahead of me, guys. I have a so much to do, so much to accomplish. And I can get caught up in just the doing, doing, doing, and I really want to be better at just being, being, being, especially in the next um two weeks or so. Uh some special things are coming up and happening which we're gonna fill you in on as we go on. But yeah, that's just that's just what's happening now for me. And so I hope that I can remember this week to just be here now, and I hope that it's given you um the room to do the same. As always, we appreciate you being here with us coming week after week. We are doing our best to make sure that we show up no matter what, and it may not always be possible, but we are going to do our best. This is part of our wellness practice, this is part of our joy, and so uh it's easy. It's easy to do it because of that, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't take effort, it helps that it's something that we love to do. So I hope you guys enjoyed this solo episode. Like I said, I know it's not what you're used to right now, but I still hope it was meaningful for you. Uh, as always, don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe, and be sure to join us back here next week, Tuesday, uh, for another special episode of Seen and Heard, where hopefully you'll be seeing and hearing from the both of us. Alright, guys, love you so much, and join us next time in the circle. Bye.